i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
