I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
