One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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