I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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