Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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