i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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