So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
