names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
