so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
