totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
