his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
