wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
