OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
