I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
