Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
