i need an iv and a liver transplant
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize