I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
