I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize