I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
