checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Your penis caused this!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
