Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
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