I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
