I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
