The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
