apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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