It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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