I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
