What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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