i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
