Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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