he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
