is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
