she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
