Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
