I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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