I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
