There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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