8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
