No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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