Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
