found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
