Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
