I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
