I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
