i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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