New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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