i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
