census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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