Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
