So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
