grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
try to milk me bitch
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