I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
