my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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