last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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