I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
