He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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