We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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