wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
