and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
