I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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