My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
