That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if only i could text you this smell
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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