you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
it's like heaven, but drunker
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
