I wish I could teleport
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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